Survival Guide for Perfectionists: 8 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism
Are you one of the many perfectionists struggling to achieve your goals? Learn how to overcome perfectionism so it doesn't get between you and what you want in life.
I’m going to lay it to you straight: if you seriously struggle with perfectionism, ditching your perfectionist tendencies isn’t something that will happen overnight.
While I’ve personally made some big strides over the years (and helped clients to do the same!) — perfectionism is still something that challenges me. Heck, just writing this blog post has proven an (undoubtedly ironic) exercise in managing my perfectionist tendencies.
However, change is possible, that much I can promise you. But becoming less hell-bent on perfection is something that happens gradually.
Where can you start if you want to bid adieu to your perfectionist ways?
Here’s my survival guide for perfectionists complete with 8 ways to overcome perfectionism. But first, let's take a closer look at what perfectionism is, what perfectionists do exactly, and where these thought patterns stem from.
Want to jump ahead?
◇ What does perfectionism look like?
◇ What needs drive perfectionists?
What is perfectionism?
If you’re reading this blog post, you may be one of many struggling perfectionists. But before we get too far, what is perfectionism, exactly?
The Oxford dictionary definition of perfectionism is probably as good a definition as any. (But is it perfect?? FYI - I’m totally a perfectionist in recovery).
“Perfectionism is refusing to accept any standard short of perfection.”
Whew. That’s a toughie. Let’s unpack this definition a bit, shall we?
For starters, perfectionism is based on the belief that “perfect” is even an option. But what actually constitutes perfect? And who decides this?
Meet self-oriented perfectionism
The answer, it seems, is usually “You do.” Because while perfection often stems from a fear of judgment or inadequacy in the eyes of someone else, perfectionists tend to use it as a self-critical weapon wielded against ourselves.
We demand “perfect” because we believe we can do and be better. We have high personal standards and big visions, and we want to measure up to them.
And so, you can argue that while perfectionism is certainly damaging, it does have an upside:
If you’re a perfectionist you're probably a person who puts forth efforts that are of a high degree of excellence.
The bad news?
There’s also a high chance of getting stuck on the path to whatever you’re working toward. Not to mention causing a whole lot of angst and turmoil in the process. Your high expectations can prove to be unrealistic, leaving you feeling like a challenge is impossible.
What does perfectionism look like?
Perfectionists tend to have similar thought patterns that go something like this...
You’ve wanted to start a podcast for what feels like forever. You buy the best microphone in your budget (after hours and hours of research). Enroll in a podcasting course and read every blog post on the subject. Create eye-catching cover art (following a lengthy battle with Canva). Eventually, the time comes to hit “record” and ugh!
It goes terribly.
In the first three takes, just the sound of your own voice sends you reeling. And you can’t seem to string together your thoughts or ideas for the life of you. (If only you sounded more like that other podcaster — you know, the one with a million followers.)
And how embarrassing — you said “um” at least five times throughout the episode. Trying to calm your racing heart, you do yet another revision hoping there will be fewer mistakes.
Finally, after completing what you hope will be the final cut, you start to think that maybe the entire episode misses the mark and you should scrap it entirely. Or, better idea: ditch this podcasting thing altogether. You tell yourself there’s no way you’ve got what it takes to be successful at it and it will surely be a complete failure.
Or, maybe it’s not a podcast for you, but the idea’s the same:
◇ You’ve got a project, idea, or task that you’ve been planning. Yet when it comes to execution, you’re completely smothered by trying to be perfect.
◇ An Excel sheet for your tax accountant? If only the formatting was just a tad more consistent. Alas, no matter how much you fuss with the damn thing, you can’t get it exactly how you want it.
◇ And while you’ve thought long and hard about pitching that dream client you’ve been talking with, somehow, you still don’t feel ready. Though let’s be honest, you’ve been saying that for months now.
Sound familiar? All of these situations show how perfectionistic thoughts can creep in and sabotage your progress. They set the standards incredibly high, impossibly high. But why do you get them?
What needs drive perfectionists?
What’s perfectionism actually rooted in? What needs drive perfectionists and what does the self-talk sound like? Most often, it’s:
◇ The need to please (“I want them to like/hire/respect me, so I’ve gotta do it perfectly. I can't make mistakes.”)
◇ Feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem (“I’m insufficient/not qualified enough/a total imposter” thought patterns.)
◇ Vulnerability and insecurity (“If I don’t get this right people will totally judge me.”)
And underlying all this?
The belief that your self-worth is dependent on what you do (i.e. on your accomplishments and achievements), rather than who you fundamentally are. Perfectionism doesn't allow you to make mistakes or fail because then you believe you will be a failure.
There are different theories about what creates perfectionists and this type of thinking in the first place (whether that be due to parenting style, or social media and an increasingly competitive economy).
While it's perhaps revealing to know where perfectionistic tendencies come from in the first place, the big question to ask is, “What can I do about it?” So let’s explore some of perfectionism's pitfalls and 8 ways you can remedy them.
What are the drawbacks of striving for perfection?
As many perfectionists know all too well, perfectionism can come with frustrating challenges. When we aim for perfection, there’s a clash between what resides in our mind’s eye and reality which can lead to a failure, sometimes before we even start. Here are some of the key drawbacks perfectionists face.
Perfectionism makes us reluctant to start
While perfectionism can stop us in our tracks and make it tough to get the job done, sometimes our perfectionistic tendencies are so strong, we don’t even get started in the first place.
Have you ever thought, “I’ll be ready when ———— “ or put something off for weeks, months, or years until you felt adequately prepared?
While a certain amount of preparation in business and life is a good thing, when you prioritize preparation over action-taking, there’s a good chance that’s perfectionism talking.
Perfectionists aim for perfect and end up stuck
Like my example above, while you might want your first podcast episode to sound as polished as your favorite professional podcaster, the fact is you’ve only just started. Can you really expect to sound like Oprah’s “Super Soul Podcast” or Guy Raz’s “How I Built This”? Are those high standards realistic?
The thing is, when we aim for “perfect”, we often end up stuck in a holding pattern where we can’t seem to get traction. It’s tough to take steps forward because perfection is at odds with reality. Then, we never get the practice we need to become better at a particular thing.
Perfectionism takes a mental health toll
Other times, our drive for perfection puts us in such a state of anxiety, stress, and overwhelm that even when we’ve got the goods to deliver, the pressure renders us completely useless.
At its most damaging, perfectionism can take a toll on your mental health, and has the power to prevent you from living the kind of life you truly desire.
Perhaps, Brené Brown summarizes it best in her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”:
“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
As we’ve seen, perfectionism is the antithesis of action and can also be a major clarity blocker.
It’s very difficult to connect with what we want when the negative self-talk in our heads is screaming, “You totally aren’t ready to make that dream happen!!” and “You’re going to disappoint so many people!”
When we aim for perfection, we not only leave ourselves with zero room to make mistakes or be human, but we also deprive ourselves of creating the kind of future that we’d find truly fulfilling.
8 ways to overcome perfectionism
Now, that we have a full understanding of what perfectionism is and looks like, what can you do to make a change? Here are 8 ways struggling perfectionists can overcome perfectionism.
1.) Recognize when you’re being a perfectionist
The first step to overcoming a problem? Recognizing that you have a problem in the first place. The more we can learn to identify our behavior and attitude as stemming from the drive for perfection, the easier it will be to tackle.
Some questions you can ask yourself are:
◇ Am I being reasonable in my demands right now? (Either of yourself or others.)
◇ Is my aim for perfection (high standards) getting in the way of getting this particular task or project done?
◇ And to observe your body and ask, How do I feel in this moment? (i.e. Do you notice your body getting tense, or your heart beginning to race?) When we’re in the grasp of perfection, we often can physically feel it.
By identifying your perfectionist tendencies in the moment, you can gain the awareness and control you need to stop and shift your approach.
2.) Use discerning self-talk
If you identify that you’re fighting perfectionism, stop and ask yourself whether the tasks at hand requires that you do a job that’s a 10 out of 10 (or, let’s call it a “9” since we know a 10 probably isn’t reasonable).
You might ask yourself, How important is it that I deliver my very best performance to this task? — in fact, it can be helpful to determine the answer to this question, even before you’re tackling the thing.
Here’s a personal example:
◇ I’ve determined that my client work (i.e. coaching sessions, client communications, and relationships) should receive my very top, grade-A efforts. After all, helping people find clarity is my primary purpose and mission, and without their trust and investment, there is no clarity coaching business.
◇ Next up on my list of “what requires my best” are all of my visible efforts. For example, audience and community-nurturing events and content (like this article) and most of my sales and marketing.
◇ The behind-the-scenes stuff is something I’ve decided required much less “type-A” attention. If my Dropbox folders are a hot mess (they are) or my accounting spreadsheet a bit rudimentary (the fact I use a spreadsheet to manage my books, says a lot) — I’m okay with it. I let go of the need for perfectionism there.
So you can make a list to prioritize what requires your highest level of focus and standards, and what is less critical and allows for some letting go.
But when I talk about “giving my best” that’s not synonymous with perfectionism. As don Miquel Ruiz shares in his book The Four Agreements, your best isn’t the same as “the best” and should be met with self-compassion.
Which brings me to point #3…
3.) Acknowledge that perfection is a myth
Sorry, friend — the notion of “perfection” is quite truly an impossibility. First, who discerns what perfect is, and what’s the ultimate truth on the matter?
There are people who will deem artistic masterpieces like Michaelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling overrated, and even Olympic figure skaters don’t get across-the-board-perfect scores on what amounts to the world’s best skating performances.
Of course, your very best, “perfect” job done today, might be only so-so 5 years from now. Remember how “perfect” and impressive the first iPhone was...now look what it can do nearly 15 years later.
In other words, if you're aiming for “perfect” just fuhgeddaboudit. Focus on doing your personal best, instead.
4.) Know when to adopt a “good enough” attitude
Guess what? Sometimes “good enough” is good enough. This doesn’t mean delivering subpar results or less-than-your best work. But it does mean knowing when “good enough” will get the job done just fine, thank-you-very-much.
Does the Excel sheet you’re using to crunch next quarter’s revenue projections need to be absolutely perfect? My guess is “good enough” will be plenty sufficient. Remember what I said above about using discernment? In some cases, letting go a bit is the best move.
5.) Look for examples of imperfect success (yours and others)
Who’s someone else who has achieved what you want, albeit imperfectly? Or maybe, with less spunk/smarts/savvy than you have. It totally happens and doesn’t that just drive you crazy?
Allow these examples of imperfect success to be a reminder: you can have a voice that’s technically imperfect and become world-famous (as my dad would always tell me: Bob Dylan’s really not a good singer, but hey, people love him!). The fact is, our mistakes can be our differentiator — what sets us apart and makes us memorable.
I’d also encourage you to make note of the times you were obviously imperfect and found success anyway: the presentation you completely winged and that people are still raving about; the podcast episode where you said, “Um, like” and you got your highest number of listens ever.
Look at you, in all your imperfect glory! You’re doing this thing called life, and a pretty bang-up job of it.
6.) Acknowledge you’re your own worst critic
Because, I promise, you are. If you identify as a perfectionist, you’re doing a better job than you realize.
And the fact is, no one will criticize you as much as you do. Do you want to know why? Because most people are fully preoccupied with themselves, and most of the details really don’t matter. You can use Google Documents to manage your client sessions like I do, instead of a fancy coaching software tool. But what’s important is that I deliver the end result, not whether I use expensive, high-tech software (remember point #2? Be discerning about what matters).
Lastly, when it comes to business and your field of expertise, you’re the one with all the know-how. Do you think that the readers of that freelance article you wrote will know if you perfectly followed AP editing standards?
7.) Action > perfectionism
If there’s something you want in this life, you’re going to have to prioritize action over perfection. That’s just how it works. No one ever got anything done by ruminating on their thoughts of “I’m not good enough” or getting stuck doing a million and five different revisions.
Remind yourself often: what is it you’re working to create in your business and life? And what are your expectations of perfectionism preventing you from having/doing/being?
Perfectionism is a real jerk. It doesn't want you to do or create anything and creates an unrealistic standard. The next time you’re caught in its grasp, ask how you can let go, keep the momentum going, and continue moving.
This brings me to my last suggestion:
8.) Set a limit for yourself
Perfectionists tend to need boundaries and limits so they won’t completely exhaust themselves. If you’re working on a task or project, set a limit for yourself. That might mean:
◇ Setting a timer for how long you can spend on it
◇ Only allowing yourself to solicit a select few others’ opinions
◇ Making a commitment to others so accountability ensures you’ll get the job done
...or any other means of keeping the momentum going so you don’t end up stuck in perfection.
Get support to overcome perfectionism
As a topic, perfectionism is a heavy one, and I have lots more tools, strategies, and ideas to help you to combat it. If your perfectionism is keeping you from the kind of business and life you really want, I can help you regain momentum.
Book in for a free 30-minute clarity call where I’ll help you to identify the ways you’re holding yourself back from the things you desire, and determine the next step in order to move in a clear direction forward.